CATTY CORNER

I've been a little under the weather lately. Nothing makes me grumpy like a tummy ache. Tell you what, right now I am grum-pay!

So I thought, hey, why not take it out on someone. 

And since, truth be told, all sorts of things make me grumpy - take that bird-brained cat I share space with, for instance - I further thought, why not make this a regular feature. So here it is, Catty Corner.

'DESIGN STAR' FINALLY SENT PACKING

Talking about indigestion, I just caught a rerun of Design Star, the one where Tracee gets booted.

How is it they didn't show her the scary elevator door before? I mean, my poop is prettier that the dirt-brown color she chose to paint that sunroom. Yes, sunroom. Yes, deep, dark, muddy brown. 'Cause mole-hole is the look you go for when decorating a sunroom.

Seems to me, HGTV realized quick that if they kicked off her whiny, spiteful, egotistical, delusional, back-stabbing behind, as it deserved to be on Day One, we'd all be reaching for the remote. That's assuming we weren't already fast asleep and drooling on it. Now, I don't mean to be catty - oh, wait, yes I do; cool! - but did this year's group study at the Sears Remedial School of Design? You know, the one in Snoozetown.

Anyway, when Tracee drew team leader for the infamous kitchen challenge, I heard the delightful sound of a nail gun going off on her coffin. And she did herself in, alright, by spending 7 hours shopping, while the others slaved away, returning with, like, 3 tchotchkes, and getting back way after, by her own timetable, the backsplash should've been tiled. Except it was up to her to get the tile. And she did. And she and the tile bonded during a lovely day la-la-lollygagging in various stores.

Stunned that tiling was no longer an option, Tracee declares it's time for creativity. If only! Her plan to fool this poor family into thinking they got their dream kitchen was to paint the bare backsplash brown. I swear she used paint leftover from that so-called sunroom. 

Never mind the lame effort, complete with a dishrag for a window valance. Since she failed to lay tile, she, in typical Tracee style, instead tried to lay blame – on everyone and everything else but her. And when that didn't fly, she claimed no one told her, the team leader, that maybe she should've dropped off the tile first. What, you need told?! For real? 

So Tracee leaves. And a gracious exit it is. Between sobs she manages to spit out: "These people just don't mean crap to me! ... I'm sick of being around a lot of ignorant people like that."

Pot meet Kettle.

That "ignorant" remark reminds me of the Real Housewives of New York City.

This show's a hoot! Can't wait 'til it comes back on. But can anyone explain why these ladies are friends with Ramona? She's proof that money can't buy class. She looks and sounds like trailer park trash scrubbed down then wrapped up in Prada.

Remember Bethenny's dinner party? Yeah, it was supposed to be a girls' night out, but Alex is, apparently, literally attached at the hip to her hubby, Simon, so he tags along. To a girls' night out. A little weird, those two are. Borderline creepy, even. But Ramona's screeching rudeness? Even Casey here has better manners - and he spits food on the wall! Just as well she gave some b-s excuse and left. Hate. Her.

Whew. Feels good to get that off my furry chest. It's like a dose of antacid!

I'll be doing more of that. Just keep your eye out for Catty Corner. 

BTW ... Love Jill! She's such a yenta! Yet, for all her gazillions, she's so down-to-earth, so likable, and best of all she lets her chihuahua - a glorified rat, if you ask me - lick her nostrils clean. Now that's a pet parent for ya. Meanwhile, god forbid I nuzzle (OK, nibble) mommie dearest's armpit.

THE TAO OF TAZZIE

"Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest. "

- Mark Twain

THE 'SKINNY' ON A MOMMY FAVORITE

My humans like the New York Times. So do I - lots of sections make for comfy napping.

Occasionally, something catches my eye.

I saw this and immediately thought of my mom. And not because of the skinny part, either, that's for sure! (Oops, I'm talking out loud again!) Anyway, she has a copy of this around here somewhere when it's not on loan.

Bless her bitchy heart - when I pointed the ad out to her she was so thrilled she got teary.

Yeah, she's strange like that.

Still, this slim book is a fun, fast read. See what other people are saying about Skinny Bitch.A million people can't be wrong.

Well, given the last presidential election, 62 million people can be horribly wrong, so let me rephrase that: Tazarina is never wrong. Do me proud - and earn me about 2.3 cents in the process - by getting your very own copy of Skinny Bitch right here.

SIZE MATTERS

As you know from my post last week, my pet parents saved all those photos of me, me, me and a few other things (like this fun one of an odd sight on a busy Florida street), so you may as well enjoy them to the fullest.

That's why I wanted to tell you - in case you didn't know - that when you click on any image here on my great space, it opens up to full size for your viewing pleasure.

Go ahead, try it! (I'll wait here and pick my back claws with my teeth, or something.)

. . . 

Awww-some, huh?

THE TAO OF TAZZIE

I've been around the block a few times. I know stuff. And I feel it's my duty to impart this worldly wisdom to you.

In bitty, bite-size doses, of course.

From other people's mouths.

So here's my first quote of the day, week, whatever, whenever I have a minute:

"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated."

- Mahatma Gandhi

CONCHED OUT

A friend of mommy's is going to Key West this week. She wishes it was her.

And so do I!

I see me in a big, big house, so big I might never cross paths with Casey again. It has old, wood floors, water views and wraparound verandas where we can all laze in the island heat as a fan whirs sleepily above, whisking little beads of sweats off our noses.

There'd be a swing or two, of course. And dainty tables for resting cool drinks and good books. It'd be our very own Hemingway house! That's where I got the idea. Mom took this picture of his house from the top of the Key West Lighthouse Museum.

My folks love Key West and say it's very cat-friendly.

They're everywhere.


(And, if this fella is any indication, they're very used to strangers stepping over them.)



As are, oddly enough, chickens.

Anyway, I could sneak away from mom and slip in, say, to the Hemingway house, get shown around,

you know, blend in.

Oh, who am I kidding? What with these delicate feet.

I'd be spotted as an intruder immediately.






(Compare with Casey's huge cloppers. He'd fit right in with those six-toed freaks!)

Still, a kitty can dream. ....

ANOTHER PAW PAL!

Hey, everybody - well, all three of you - meet Phil!

He says he's heard about me and Casey, and that we're familia, so to speak. News to me, but I'll go along with it. 

So, I'll let my new cuz here tell you (and me!) about himself:

Hi Tazarina! My name is Phil. I think we’re related somehow, but who keeps track of these things? 

This picture is a couple of years old, but I think it captures my full range of emotions.

We seem to have quite a bit in common – I also moved from New York to Florida! Palmetto bugs were a delicious everyday snack for me, too, until the humans thought it would be a

good idea to rebuild my house. 

It went from the glorious cesspool of creepy crawlies to 

a boring place, where all I can do is drink dirty pool water.

This picture conveys exactly what I thought of that.

But I’ve jumped ahead of myself in my fit of rage!

I live with my sister, Lil, and a few humans. 

Lil is typing this for me. 

I got a car for my birthday two years ago. 

I still haven’t figured out exactly how it works, but I think Lil and I are making progress. 

I sit on top, navigating ...

 

... while she works the 

controls.

Lil can be a bit sneaky though. I always have to keep an eye on her.

Don’t let your brother get too full of himself. I do the crossword with my eyes closed.

Well, I go to sleep on them then wake up next to a completed one, so I think I do them. The humans are also trying to teach me math.

Here I am getting ready to use my crossword-solving method on some calculus problems.

Well, I’m off to take a nap, then eat some food, take another nap, have a quick clean, then get ready for bed.

It’s good to finally talk to you after hearing so much about you from the humans!

Your cousin (or something), Phil